A person with OCD has obsessive and compulsive behaviours that are extreme enough to interfere with daily life. "People with OCD shouldn't be confused with a much larger group of individuals who are sometimes called 'compulsive'. Such people are perfectionists who are much organised in their work, even in recreational activities. In that respect, it differs from the life-wrecking obsessions and habits of a person with OCD.

Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) is a condition where people have obsessional thoughts followed by compulsives urges. These obsessions can be intense, and typically the only way a person can relieve these intrusive thoughts is to repeat an action until they are quelled.

This anxiety-related illness affects around 1.2% of the UK’s population, and approximately 740,000 people are thought to suffer with OCD at any one time. Research suggests 50% of sufferers endure severe OCD symptoms, while 25% only experience mild symptoms.

The lifetime prevalence of OCD in general population in India is estimated to be at  2-3%, that means 2-3 persons in every hundred persons have OCD in their lifetime. It affects men and women equally.  It usually starts at 20 years of age however it can occur at any age including as early as 2 years of age in children.

 

A common perception of OCD is that sufferers feel compelled to excessively wash their hands or constantly check that doors and windows are locked. In reality, OCD is a far more complex illness and can make day-to-day living very difficult for the sufferer and those close to them. One of the biggest challenges, for family and friends, is understanding the illness, but it can also take a toll on relationships. It is possible, however, for people with OCD to learn ways to better manage the condition.

 

In this section, the illness will be explored in more depth, including OCD symptoms, what obsessions and compulsions are, and effective treatment options.

OCD symptoms

Obsessive compulsive disorder isn’t a one-size-fits-all illness; it affects every individual differently. There are however consistent patterns of behaviour and thoughts that are caused by OCD. These are outlined below to help you understand the core symptoms and to help you determine whether or not you (or someone close to you) may have the condition.

The four key behaviours that contribute to OCD are:

1. Obsession – An intrusive, persistent and uncontrollable thought that enters your mind.
2. Anxiety – You start feeling stressed and anxious due to the obsession.
3. Compulsion – You find a compulsive need to exercise repetitive acts or behaviours because of the stress or anxiety that the obsession has caused.
4. Temporary relief – A temporary relief from the stress or anxiety is gained from the compulsive behaviour. This cycle repeats when the obsession returns, usually soon after.

If you relate to these symptoms and are worried you may be suffering from OCD, you are advised to visit your doctor for a formal diagnosis.

Obsessions

If you have OCD, your obsessions will most likely fall under one or more of the following categories:

• uncontrollable and persistent thoughts
• worries
• fears
• doubts
• images
• impulses

 

These obsessions can be intrusive and at times disturbing, and as a result can affect your day-to-day life depending on their severity. Even when you begin to understand that the obsessions are involuntary, it can be difficult to figure out why you have them.

On the other hand, you are not likely to act on your troubling thoughts. The compulsions are employed to relieve and prevent the thoughts from ever happening. For example, if you think that you might harm close member of your family, you will demonstrate compulsive behaviour to stop it from occurring.  If you have OCD, you might worry about:

• Catching an illness, especially ones publicised in the media.
• Causing sexual or physical harm to yourself or others.
• The contamination of something (an object, a person etc.).
• Arranging everything in a particular order, be it symmetrical or otherwise.
• Having violent thoughts.
• Causing a road accident whilst driving.
• A bad thing happening unless you check something repetitively

 

You may be aware that these worries and fears are irrational, but you will be unable to control them. Additionally, the more you try to fight them, the more prominent they become. In most cases the feeling of discomfort that these thoughts create is anxiety, but it can also create general unease and tension.

Compulsions

A compulsion is a natural response to the feeling of anxiety or discomfort that derives from an obsessive thought, impulse or fear. Examples include a repetitive set of mental formalities, physical behaviours or actions.

Compulsive behaviours are very structured - most commonly set to a routine in an attempt to prevent the apparent danger from taking place. You might feel a responsibility to carry out certain actions to repress the threat, as you feel that it will harm yourself or a loved one. Sadly the relief gained from this is only temporary. The cycle will then repeat.

For example, people who do not suffer from OCD tend to only wash their hands if they see they are dirty or after using the bathroom. But if you are experiencing OCD symptoms, you may wash your hands if they ‘feel’ dirty, and feel compelled to keep on washing them until they ‘feel’ clean. You might do this to stop the spread of a disease that you are frightened of getting, even though you most likely have an extremely low risk of getting it.  Here are some examples of OCD compulsions:

• The avoidance of people, places or situations to avoid an intrusive thought.
• Cleaning to excess (clothes, objects, the house).
• Thought patterns or mental exercises that neutralise an obsessive thought.
• After a word is spoken, instantly saying another word to counteract a negative repercussion.
• The avoidance of sharp objects, such as a knife, to prevent hurting others.
• Checking of locks, light switches, radiators etc. to try to prevent the dangers associated with them i.e. getting burgled, electrical fires or pipes freezing

 

These compulsions are categorised as covert (a mental act) or overt (observable by others). A covert compulsion includes mental counting to neutralise a disturbing and unwelcome image. An overt compulsion is physical, for example, washing, or checking things repeatedly to quell the obsession.

 

OCD in children

While every case is unique, many people who have OCD say their symptoms began in childhood. Children with OCD may worry that things aren't in the 'right order'; they may be concerned about losing possessions or have a compulsion to collect things.

When asked why they carry out certain rituals, they may have a tough time explaining why, saying something along the lines of 'just because'. OCD in children can cause low self-esteem, frustration and embarrassment for the sufferer.

If you are worried your child may have OCD, going to your doctor to receive a formal diagnosis is the first step. There are lots of professionals available who specialise in counselling children and are able to help them discuss and manage their symptoms in an easy to understand manner.

Types of OCD

Most cases of obsessive compulsive disorder fall under four main categories, even though there are many strains which fall under a number of sub-categories.  The four main areas are checking, hoarding, contamination and intrusive thoughts/ruminations.

Checking

The types of things that people with obsessive compulsive disorder feel the need to check in order to prevent damage include:

• water taps (fear of flood damage to the house and contents)
• lights (fear of causing an electrical fire)
• car, door and window locks (fear of car/household items getting stolen)
• appliances (fear of the house burning down)
• gas appliances/canisters (fear of explosions)
• wallet, purse or handbag (fear of losing money, personal documents or bank cards)
• re-reading emails, postcards, letters (fear of mistakes or writing something offensive)

 

The amount of checking that is needed to ‘neutralise’ the obsession ranges from repeating it a few times to hundreds of times, which can take hours. This repetitive checking can seriously affect an individual’s career and personal relationships.

Hoarding

Hoarding refers to the compulsion to accumulate items. It is considered to be a compulsive disorder symptom when the hoarding of items interrupts day-to-day life; for example cluttering up the bedroom so there is nowhere to sleep, or if the gathering of objects has a detrimental effect of the individual's social life or career.  A compulsive hoarder might:

• buy lots of useless items
• develop an emotional attachment to these things
• have a limited social life due to the clutter
• endanger their health by living in unsanitary living conditions
• put family, neighbours and pets at risk of harm

Contamination

This is the obsessive fear that something needs to be cleaned or washed out of fear of contamination, and it can arise in a number of different situations that may make an OCD sufferer feel uncomfortable:

• wearing clothes (shaking them to remove bugs, dead skin etc.)
• being in a crowd (fear of catching a disease from other people)
• using toilets (fear of contracting germs and illnesses from other people)
• shaking hands (fear of catching an illness from other people)
• touching door handles, banisters etc. (fear of contracting germs and illness from other people)

Ruminations

In the case of obsessive compulsive disorder, ruminations refer to a prolonged phase of thinking about a theme or a question that can have a religious or philosophical context. An example could be the fixation on what happens after death. Sufferers might visualise heaven, hell, purgatory and what other philosophers and religious leaders have said on the subject.

Intrusive thoughts

These are obsessional, prolonged thoughts that are often troubling in nature. Intrusive thoughts can include sexual or violent harm to loved ones. However, people with OCD are usually the least likely to act on them as they find them so repugnant in nature.

Relationship OCD

OCD symptoms can occur in all areas of life, and often sufferers will notice them affecting their relationships. Known as relationship OCD or ROCD, this form of the condition sees intrusive thoughts and compulsions focusing on your relationship.

Most people will experience relationship doubts from time to time, but those with relationship OCD will experience more than most. Typical symptoms of relationship OCD include:

• Constant analysis of your feelings for your partner.
• Constant need for reassurance/approval from your partner.
• Doubting that your partner is being faithful, with no evidence to the contrary.
• Doubts that you may be unfaithful
• Polarised thinking and an intolerance of uncertainty within the relationship

 

This kind of thinking, like most OCD thinking, is incredibly exhausting and can lead to break-ups. If you are aware that you suffer from OCD and are experiencing intrusive thoughts about your relationship, be sure to mention this to your OCD specialist or counsellor. Both yourself and your partner may also benefit from couples counselling - this will allow both of you to discuss how you feel and how you can manage the symptoms.

Causes of OCD

The overall cause of this anxiety disorder is unknown, but there are multiple related factors that might increase the chances of obsessive compulsive disorder developing.

Stress – Stressful situations and traumatic life events can cause OCD. Approximately one in three cases is caused by stress.

Genes – In some cases OCD is inherited; passed down from one generation to the next.

Life changing scenarios – OCD tendencies can occur when increased responsibility gets too much. A birth of a child, a death of a loved one or a new job are the kind of scenarios that change one’s life enough to develop obsessive compulsive disorder symptoms.

Personality – For meticulously organised people who are already methodically cataloguing their life possessions, symptoms of OCD might go unnoticed. These symptoms can get out of hand - if it goes too far, they can develop the full anxiety disorder and should seek help.

Biological changes – Small changes to the balance of neurotransmitters in the brain such as serotonin might play a role in triggering OCD. This is one of the reasons why medication is thought to help sufferers better manage their condition.

Ways of thinking – Depending on the individual’s moral outlook on life, thoughts like ‘what would happen if I stepped in front of that train?’ or ‘I might harm my partner’ are usually quickly dismissed. But if someone has an extremely high sense of responsibility and morality, they might feel that it’s their fault these involuntary thoughts come into their head, which makes the thoughts more likely to return.

OCD treatment

Obsessive compulsive disorder is a treatable medical condition, and counselling in particular has proven useful for helping sufferers to take back some control over their OCD symptoms. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is often deemed the most helpful form of therapy in this circumstance.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for OCD

Cognitive behavioural therapy is a talking therapy that aims to help overcome problems by recognising and changing the way an individual thinks and behaves.  The therapy looks to teach the person that it isn’t the thoughts that are the major problem; it’s what the individual makes of those thoughts and how they act on them. This is the key to recovering from OCD.

There are two types of CBT for OCD – cognitive therapy and exposure response therapy.

Cognitive therapy (CT)

Cognitive therapy is a psychological therapy that tries to change your response to your thoughts, rather than trying to get rid of them. This can be helpful if you have worrying, intrusive thoughts, but do not perform any actions or rituals to neutralise them.

Exposure and response prevention (ERP)

Exposure and response prevention is a way to stop anxieties and behaviours from getting stronger. The longer you are exposed to your fear, or stressful situation, over time you become used to the setting and the need to perform compulsive actions is naturally neutralised.

Medication

Even if you are not depressed, antidepressants can help moderate obsessions and compulsions. According to research, over half of people with OCD improve after taking medication. Unfortunately, if you stop taking medication, there is around a 50% chance of OCD symptoms returning. However, if you combine medication with CBT for OCD, it is much less likely to return.

What should I be looking for in a counsellor or psychotherapist?

There are currently no laws in place stipulating what training and qualifications a counsellor must have in order to treat someone with OCD. However, there a set of guidelines that provide advice about the recommended treatments, including the following:

• There are a number of treatments for adults with OCD that are helpful, including psychological therapies and medication.

• The main psychological treatment for OCD is cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) including exposure and response prevention (ERP).

• Most psychological treatment for OCD consists of CBT with ERP, but if you do not feel comfortable starting ERP, or it has not helped you, then your healthcare professional may offer you cognitive therapy that has been adapted for people with OCD.

• Research has shown that medication used for treating depression (called 'antidepressants') can also help people with OCD.

• There are different types of antidepressants, but ones called selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors (or SSRIs for short) often work best for people with OCD.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We've all heard the phrase in books and films before, but what does it really mean to be 'passive aggressive'?  We often give this name to people who are particularly difficult, stubborn, unreasonable, or 'tight-lipped'. These people try hard to keep their real feelings inside but end up revealing them in subtle, under-hand but often far more destructive ways. Sometimes this can be accidental but more often than not, passive aggression is a perfectly intentional form of behaviour.

Origins of the term

The term 'passive aggressive' first originated at the end of World War II, when a Colonel from the U.S War Department used it to describe the 'immature' and 'difficult' behaviour of some of the young soldiers. These soldiers would become intentionally unresponsive and carry out tasks they didn't want to do sluggishly or ineffectively. They did this in order to preserve an element of independence in an incredibly uniform environment.

Passive aggressive disorder was once a widely accepted form of personality disorder (personality disorder: A mental health problem characterised by long-term, deeply ingrained behavioural patterns which significantly affect how a person thinks, feels and interacts. having a personality disorder can make socialising difficult and prevent a person from forming stable, long-lasting relationships with anyone and it was even included in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Disorders (DSM IV), the globally recognised catalogue of all medically accepted disorders. 

A number of years ago, experts decided that passive aggression was so common and so strongly related to a host of other mental disorders, that it didn't warrant the status of 'disorder' by itself. Passive aggressive disorder has since been edited out of the DSM and is now commonly referred to as passive aggressive behaviour instead. Most of us are guilty of displaying passive aggressive behaviour occasionally in our day-to-day lives. It is, after all, a simple way of avoiding conflict.

 

Observe the following situation: Your housemate persistently leaves his dirty washing up in the sink for other people to clean up. There are four different ways to approach the situation:

Option 1. Ignore it, do nothing and hope he stops.

Option 2. Talk to him about it, let him know you don't like it.

Option 3. Shout at him, threaten him with eviction and generally intimidate him into doing it.

Option 4. 'Accidentally' break his favourite mug. If he cares that much about it, he should wash it up and put it away

 

The option you choose will differ according to the kind of person you are.

1. The 'passive person' off-hands powers to others, steps back and allows him or herself to be directed by other, more assertive people. Option 1. is a good example of passive behaviour. If you choose this option, your housemate is unlikely to ever change his habits because he has no idea how you feel about the situation. You will simply have to learn to live with his dirty crockery.

2. The 'assertive person' maintains a good balance between understanding his or her own needs, and accommodating the needs of others. Option 2. is a good example of a fair, assertive and effective approach to the situation. If you are firm and fair, your housemate will be more likely to listen to you, respect you and make the effort to change his habits.

 

3. The 'aggressive person' is power hungry and ego-centric. He or she has little or no regard for other people's desires or opinions and wishes to meet goals forcedly, regardless of any hurt feelings. Option 3. is a good example of aggressive behaviour- if you adopt this approach you will be likely to get what you want, but you will also jeopardise the relationship you have with your housemate, as well as putting yourself at risk of future retribution. 

 

So where does passive aggressive behaviour come on the scale? Don't be distracted by the 'passive' element of this term. Passive aggression is more often than not, even more destructive than plain old aggression. Sometimes a quick, impulsive punch on the arm can be more easily forgiven than twenty years of quietly brewing resentment.

How does passive aggressive behaviour develop?

What makes different people act differently in certain situations? Why do some of us choose to ignore or avoid situations and others choose to tackle them head on? Experts believe that the route of our behaviour rests in the lessons we learned naturally during childhood. 

One study discovered that people who had parents who were more controlling were more likely to become closed-off, withdrawn and cold in their adult relationships.

The study¹ consisted of 56 couples who had been together for at least 2 months. Each person was asked questions about their childhood, such as how often they got into trouble for carelessness, how often they broke their parents' rules and how sensitive they were to rejection, failure and embarrassment. Researchers used the answers to these questions to identify the more 'cautious' among the participants. All couples were then asked to keep a diary detailing any relationship problems, arguments, thoughts, moods and actions. Upon inspection, the researchers found that the participants identified as more cautious were also more likely to deal with relationship issues by closing off, giving 'the silent treatment' and withdrawing from the problem at hand - making them, to all intents and purposes, passive aggressive people.

Controlling parents

Children can often be demanding, inquisitive and excitable. For extremely busy, stressed, or distracted parents, coming home to an excitable or emotional child can be very wearing. Often it can be easier to ignore persistent demands and questions, and even easier to shout at them to be quiet, or to send them to their room out of the way. Some parents believe enforcing strict rules aides development and creates a more resilient, rounded and disciplined person.

From a child's point of view, outside stresses, anxieties and parenting principals are irrelevant. A child has no idea if his father's bosses are piling on the pressure, or if the debts are mounting up and the bills can't be paid. To a child, a parents' anger is direct, personal and indicative of some sort of failure or disappointment. Children generally crave the approval of their parents. In a child's world, the parental figures are all-knowing, all-seeing authority figures- the literal be-all and end-all of life. To be put down, ignored or shouted at consistently can often be a very traumatic experience for a child.

Repression instead of expression

Eventually, the child begins to believe that what they have to say must be worthless and irrelevant, so they stop saying it. When their emotions are met with anger (parents often say 'don't answer back', or 'don't be cheeky' when their children stand up to them), they learn to bottle them up.  As children grow into adults, these lessons stay with them. They may learn to fear speaking out in case their words are met with rejection or conflict, and they will eventually adopt the lesser role their parents (usually unintentionally) enforced. Essentially, passive aggressive behaviour stems from trying, and failing (in our eyes), to please our parents.

Secretive behaviour

Of course, hiding our desires and opinions won't simply make them go away. Instead, we will naturally learn different, non-verbal and indirect ways of channelling how we really feel about things. This repression can be quite damaging and will often create a more introverted, secretive character who is more likely to lie, manipulate people, or 'act out' the person they think they should be. For example, an adolescent who isn't allowed to go out for lunch with her friends might sneak the money from her father's wallet and tell him she's doing homework at a friend's house.

Resentful feelings

This dishonesty and secretiveness is bound to make a child feel guilty. After all - we still want to please our parents. We've simply learned that the easiest way to keep them happy is to appear docile and accommodating, while simultaneously finding covert ways of acting out desires and expressing emotions. Eventually, we begin to resent having to be so secretive. These feelings of resentment tend to stay with us throughout adulthood and manifest as a resentment for all authority figures, who we can't help but associate with all the times our ideas, jokes, opinions and desires were ignored or criticised.  

Types of passive aggressive behaviour

Passive aggressive behaviour can vary in severity, frequency and intentionality.  When a person with a passive aggressive personality is given a task to do that they don't agree with, they will appear positive and agreeable, but inside they may be fuming or despairing. Instead of making a fuss, they will find other ways to vent their frustration. These include:

Intentional ineffectiveness

Imagine you are given a task by your boss that you sincerely disagree with. He has backed you into a corner and you can see no way to argue without jeopardising your job or your working relationship. So, you intentionally approach the task with laziness. You make subtle mistakes that are noticeable enough to aggravate your boss, but not severe enough to warrant punishment. This gives you a sense of power and satisfaction in an otherwise powerless situation and is essentially an underhand way of implying that you didn't care for the task he asked you to do.

Intentional lateness and forgetfulness

If you are a passive aggressive person, you may have learnt from an early age that going head to head with a controlling person is a recipe for failure. Unless you happen to be very effective at communicating, persuading and gaining the approval of others, you will have had to have found other ways of stating your power over controlling people. One passive aggressive technique is to exaggerate the characteristics you know they find irritating. Controlling people tend to be neat, proactive and organised. One way of demanding their attention is to be intentionally messy, forgetful and unorganised. For instance, if a particularly domineering friend invites you to the cinema at a certain time, and insists on reminding you again and again to turn up on time; you're likely to feel like you're being backed into that old corner you are so familiar with. One way to exercise your own control over the situation is to turn up five minutes late. Although the domineering friend will see this as a blatant disregard of her carefully made plans, a passive aggressive person will see it as a small victory.

Sulkiness

Instead of putting up a fight or arguing back, a passive aggressive person is likely to become sullen, cold and withdrawn. For instance, imagine you noticed that your partner gave someone at a party a long appreciative look. Instead of confronting your partner, you feel deeply jealous and sad and show this by closing off emotionally. Your partner has no idea why you have suddenly become so rigid and unresponsive, which in turn causes them to feel defensive and tense. This kind of behaviour can very easily spiral into a long-term standoff that brews and festers and grows into something far more destructive than it ever should have been. 

Signs you have a passive aggressive personality

Passive aggressive behaviour is triggered by a desire to please people and can include reasons such as:

• trying to keep the peace
• trying to avoid mistakes
• trying to preserve self-respect
• trying to appear more confident and authoritative
• being unable to express emotions very well
• being afraid of rejection
• being afraid of criticism
• feeling worthless

 

However, because by nature passive aggressive people are unwilling to expose their true feelings, it can be hard to understand the routes of their behaviour. These behaviours often come across instead as:

• stubbornness
• contrariness
• bitterness
• closed-mindedness
• unreasonableness
• being difficult
• frustratingly forgetful
• cold
• lazy
• careless
• manipulative
• secretive
• sly

How to deal with passive aggression

Do you recognise any of these passive aggressive personality traits in yourself or other people? If so, you might be wondering how to deal with them. There is no 'one way' of dealing with passive aggression because tactics vary from person to person and situation to situation. The following advice is only general and you are strongly advised to contact a counsellor or psychotherapist for professional support.  

Passive aggressive partners

Being in a romantic relationship with a passive aggressive person can be very difficult. Loving relationships require honesty, openness and trust to work in the long-term. These are all characteristics that many passive aggressive people struggle with. In relationships, people with passive aggressive personalities tend to be:

• unreasonably scared of rejection or abandonment
• cold, defensive and unresponsive
• secretive and withholding
• mistrustful and suspicious
• grumpy, on edge and easily aggravated

 

As we now know, these behaviours are indicative of underlying insecurities and fears that can't be expressed properly. Dealing with this kind of behaviour takes a lot of understanding and patience and can be very tiring for a romantic partner. There is no one way to deal with passive aggressive people because everyone is different and every different situation requires a different approach. Passive aggression is not like a disease, there is no one 'cure'.

If you suspect that your partner is a passive aggressive person, however, the first thing you are advised to do is learn what passive aggression is. Once you understand the reasons for your partner's difficult behaviour, you can approach the issues sympathetically rather than forcefully or vindictively.

It may help to consider the following general advice:

• Don't feel like your partner's behaviour is a personal attack on you - remember that passive aggressive people often fear rejection. Your partner may love you dearly but remain distant due to an anxiety that you will leave them

• Be patient - anger or aggression will only force your partner further into his or her shell.

• Don't be overbearing - remember that passive aggressive people are often resentful of authority. Show them that you respect their opinions and ideas and eventually they will learn to believe that they are truly valued by you.

• Let them simmer - if your partner kicks off over a seemingly small matter, accept that their frustration probably has nothing to do with the matter at all. Wait until your partner has calmed down and then try to approach the real problem face on

• Talk about it - be frank, be open and be blunt. Passive aggressive behaviour is usually reinforced by parents who punished extroverted behaviour, or who kept their own emotions bottled up. Your partner may find your honest attitude refreshing and liberating. If you can try to understand and tackle passive aggression together, your relationship can only become stronger

Passive aggressive colleagues

Passive aggressive behaviour in the workplace can be extremely destructive for productivity and general morale. Managing an individual with passive aggressive tendencies can be a huge and often frustrating challenge for any team leader or manager, for the fundamental reason that passive aggressive personality types tend to resent authority.

Many people become passive aggressive because they were put down or suppressed as children. This sense of resentment stays with them throughout adulthood because they find it difficult to shake the deeply embedded connection between authority and those old feelings of worthlessness.

How to recognise a passive aggressive employee:

• feels under-appreciated
• lacks accountability, places blame on others
• procrastinates or misses deadlines when they don't agree with a task
• appears grumpy or irritable but won't say why
• uses notes or emails to communicate in difficult situations

 

How to deal with a passive aggressive employee:

• understand that they are wary of conflict
• understand that they have learnt to feel inferior
• set out clear expectations and boundaries from the offset so they understand that their inferior role is not a personal attack but a professional requirement
• reward good work
• show appreciation and let them know they are valued
• try to give them an element of choice and control in the work they do
• have regular meetings to give them a chance to open up and discuss things they may have been bottling up

 

How to become less passive aggressive

Remember that passive aggression is not a disorder. Most of us display passive aggressive behaviour now and then, it is simply one of the many ways we learn to deal with conflict. In some situations it is appropriate to keep emotions and opinions bottled up- if we were all outgoing, aggressive personality types, nothing would ever get done. Whether you think you are passive aggressive or not, the most important thing is that you remain aware of your behaviour, you identify the reasons behind it and you explore acceptable and effective ways of expressing it.

 

Next time you feel secretly outraged or frustrated, take a moment to ask yourself why. Once you understand exactly what you find so irritating or unfair about a situation, you can begin to form a reasonable answer in your head. From here, you can start exploring different ways of addressing the situation.

 

If, for example, the problem is that you noticed your partner spending a lot of time texting an unknown number that you suspect to be an ex, you need to consider your options. You may be tempted to brew moodily in the corner for the next few weeks, or you may even feel the need to send your own ex a message in retaliation. This kind of behaviour will only cause more problems. The only way you are going to get to the bottom of the situation is to breech the subject with your partner. Remember:

• Tackle it casually - it is easy to sound accusing if you have spent time imagining the worst.

• Be honest- tell them you are worried they will leave you. This lack of trust needs to be addressed, whether it's your own unreasonable doubt or their track history

• If they are texting their ex- ask them why and tell them you don't think it is acceptable behaviour

 

Forcing yourself to be frank, honest, sympathetic and tactful is always going to reap healthier rewards than being cold, defensive and vindictive. More often than not, other people will have no idea why you are upset about something. They are likely to think you are a difficult person to be around and find it hard to warm to you. This can be very upsetting and many passive aggressive people aim to change the way they interact with other people.

Changing such deeply embedded behaviours can often be extremely difficult, especially if they were picked up during childhood. Seeking professional help from a counsellor or psychotherapist is recommended, especially if your passive aggressive behaviour is affecting your career, relationships or family life.

Counselling for passive aggressive behaviour

Counselling for passive aggressive behaviour can often be an extremely delicate process. This is because people who display this form of behaviour do not react well to being ordered to think in a certain way or reveal certain details about themselves. Remember, passive aggressive people often spend their whole lives denying or repressing their true feelings and opinions. Often, they will go out of their way to expose the source of authority as ineffective or incompetent.

Some counsellors and psychotherapists believe that in order to tackle our behaviours, we must revisit our childhoods. We must learn how we became the people we are today and identify the events that triggered certain insecurities, fears and anxieties. Once we understand these, we can start to let them go and accept that the relationships we had with our parents do not have to set the groundwork for all future relationships.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy allows clients to observe their own thoughts moment by moment in order to recognise the thought patterns which trigger certain behaviours.

To find out more about the different forms of counselling and psychotherapy available, either visit our types of therapies page or contact a counsellor using our search tool. 

What should I be looking for in a counsellor or psychotherapist?

Currently there are no official rules or regulations stipulating what level of training a counsellor dealing with passive aggressive behaviour needs. There are however several accredited courses, qualifications and workshops available to counsellors to improve their knowledge of a particular area, so for peace of mind you may wish to check to see if they have had further training in issues regarding passive aggressive behaviour.

If the passive aggressive behaviour is causing issues within a relationship/family, you may wish to seek couples/family counselling sessions.